Q&A with MARK SOLMS,
NEUROPSYCHOANALYSIS CO-CHAIR
What makes the SEEKING system and the ATTACHMENT (PANIC/GRIEF) system so important
in relationships?
SEEKING is a constant itch, an insatiable form of wanting; ATTACHMENT is an enduring bond,
a contented form of liking. It is not at all unusual for SEEKING to be strongly engaged in the
excitement of the ‘chase’ and then, when the prize is won, for interest to disappear, and for
the search to start all over again. Because the SEEKING system is always in a state of desire
for what has not been obtained; always looking for something new.
ATTACHMENT ensures faithful, enduring bonds, but if the SEEKING system is not sufficiently
recruited to keep the relationship exciting, the bond can be compromised over time. In the
same way, if the SEEKING system is strongly focused on the relationship, but the
ATTACHMENT system fails to form a strong, faithful bond, there will be nothing to lose when
the SEEKING system becomes focused on something new.
How these two systems develop in early childhood informs what we will do in relationships
later in life. What we seek, how we bond and what we need in another person all depend
on what we learned in those early years.
What role does the SEEKING system play once you have found a partner?
SEEKING is desire or, as Dr. Kent Berridge named it, ‘Wanting’. We are all familiar with the
idea of loving a partner without sufficient desire, sexual or otherwise. Without SEEKING, the
excitement of romance is lost.
There can be no doubt that, when it comes to helping promote long-term relationships, the
first prize is to satisfy both SEEKING and ATTACHMENT needs within the union. But we have to
recognize that the usual outcome is that SEEKING eventually moves on; it finds excitement
and novelty elsewhere. Think of the famous ‘seven-year itch’.
How can we stop ourselves needing novelty and keep SEEKING alive in an existing
relationship?
The winning formula might seem to be continual renewal of the relationship. Popular
magazines forever tell us how to spice up and rejuvenate interest in or by a flagging partner
by trying to maintain an element of novelty and mystery and surprise. But how many of us
can really manage that for decades?
For this reason I emphasize that we human beings – despite appearances at times – are not
made up of instincts alone. We are not slaves to these primitive brain circuits. We also have
prefrontal lobes. If SEEKING is inevitably and always in conflict with ATTACHMENT, then we
can at least recognize that fact, and thereby be released from the idiotic compulsion of
repetitively making the same mistakes, of endlessly striving for the impossible.
Lasting romantic relationships certainly do exist. And if there is one thing they have in
common it is an acceptance that the nature of our bonds change over time – that is to say,
what they have in common is a degree of realism and wisdom, which necessarily requires
some humility.
If it doesn’t come easy, is it really worth having relationships at all – surely some people are
better off without a partner?
The brain has a specific system which forges attachments with others. This system can be
diverted, for example through romantic relationships with pets, but nothing satisfies its innate
needs better than what it was designed for, namely a real human being. People can
survive without romantic relationships but it comes at a price.
If we know what causes separation distress may it one day be possible to treat a broken
heart with drugs?
Yes, there is good evidence that the distress of loss can be ameliorated with opiate drugs.
The problem though is that such drugs (like relationships themselves) can be addictive. The
best cure for a broken heart will always be moving on and finding someone else.
What’s the difference between making friends and romantic relationships?
Friendships can strongly engage the ATTACHMENT mechanisms. Romantic relationships can
likewise exclude ATTACHMENT. But successful romantic relationships combine friendship and
eroticism.
Is it possible to rekindle our SEEKING system in a loving relationship once it has ‘moved on’
and is SEEKING other things? Could drugs help one day?
Drugs that boost desire (such as cocaine) are addictive, albeit in different ways than
opiates. It would therefore be better to find natural ways of rekindling passion in a
relationship.
How do you know if you are ATTACHED to someone?
A good way of knowing whether you are attached or not is to ask yourself whether you feel
vulnerable to the possibility of losing that person. Real attachment always comes with the
risk of loss.
Are these left or right side brain systems? Or both?
Both, or more precisely neither. Our instinctual-emotional brains arise from the ancient
brainstem, not from the more recently-evolved cerebral hemispheres. The hemispheres
(left and right) do not generate our basic emotions; rather they control them.